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Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Therapy

Well, Therapy sucked today.

As I opened up and had my deepest wounds exposing not being heard by my mother and how I was always called an arrogant little girl... and as I sit in my room alone in Sacramento because the same relationship I have with my mother is being played out with my roommate, I really wonder what the fuck G-d has planned for me.

As I sit in tears... not of sadness or frustration... I've become numb emotionally to the struggle...To tell you the truth I don't even know where the tears comes from... maybe just the emotions that are being held in my body? My therapist feels my pain and ends the call.

It felt like a surgeon opening me up on the table and left the room.

Next week I talk to my mother with a therapist and today we just went over what the goals for next week are...

The therapist is making space for me to be heard by my mother... and is trying to make a safe place for me to be vulnerable.

I've never had a safe place to be vulnerable and I don't ever expect to.

I mean... being vulnerable isn't being safe at all.

So I'm going to a CODA meeting tonight at 7 p.m. where I can meet other people who have been through the same situations as me... drug abuse from parents and not being heard or loved on an emotional level and how it's fucking up their lives today.

Sounds like an awesome party.

So yeah my roommate just attacks me verbally too (randomly) and I'm over it.

Why live in an environment like this?
Am I just the vibrational match?
What do I have to learn here?

So I just lock myself in my room and kinda work on virtual programs.

My therapist says she is worried that I'm alone and don't have the support systems I need. So CODA.

Is this a good time to tell you I'm moving to Idaho?

A part of me wishes I just said fuck everyone and on Thanksgiving day drove down to TJ and started over.

I could have had my own apartment for $250 a month in a city where no one knows my name and I would have learned Spanish.

All my friends said it was a bad idea... but right now I'm kicking myself.
Only I know what is good for me.

Well, whatever it's the past.

I'm going to move to Idaho and live with my friend Morgan.
Save and scrimp.
Build my wealth.
And be a badass.

I figured out that I didn't want to sell my car for the insurance or the responsibility or anything. I really wanted to sell my car because my mother gave it to me and I wanted to end the relationship and the pain I felt with my mother.

I don't need a sexy car to be sexy.

I'm already sexy from the inside out.

Material objects don't determine who I am.

Maybe I will move to TJ.

I don't know.

I've been torn apart and crying for the entire day seems like a good option.

It will be interesting to see what's going on at the CODA meeting tonight.

But hey I'm working on it... it just fucking sucks.






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