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Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Self doubt

Confession: I have self-doubt.

I have the worst self-talk on the planet.

Even though I can encourage the world to go after their best self and their goals... my own inner dialogue isn't the same.

When I talk to men who absolutely love me and want to be with me, and I tell them about my own self-doubt, I get the same reaction every time.

"You have got to be kidding me!"

These men (yes there are multiple) love me more than they love themselves.
Tell me I'm perfect in every way and more.
I can do no wrong.
And me just talking to them, hugging them, looking at them, hanging out with them and being kind to them... fills their love tanks more than I can ever imagine.

They also tell me I am the most beautiful woman on the planet.
I have no wrong angles.
I look great no matter what.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

These men love me more than I love myself.

And I had to come to terms with that today.

I had to come to terms with why my credit cards are maxed out.
My friend had to pay my gym membership so I could continue climbing.
And My landlady tells me it's time to get a job so I can pay my rent.

When really I should be living at 333 Atherton Ave kicking it by my pool.

I invested so much into online coaching... I should be killing it by now.

Instead, I have completely self-sabotaged myself into one step away from being homeless.

And as I spiral into a deep depression about my life that most in the world would envy... I figure out the main component of what I am doing wrong.

I drain my own love tank every day by criticizing myself. 

This is why when I woke up every morning I didn't want to be alive.

This is why I went through 10 sessions of the hardest therapy of my life.

This is why I pay for coaching.

I know I can do better.

I know I can be the best.

So what has been holding me back?

Myself.

I put a post-it note on my mirror in my room saying "I am my biggest fan"

The first few days I said to myself, "yeah fucking right" (sarcasm)

and then I knew why my life had turned out how it did.

How do you fix this?

I'm writing out positive mantras 5 times a day.
I have it scheduled on my phone.

Imagine what my world would be like if I started loving myself?

If I really was my biggest fan.

If I thought of myself as these men across the world thought of me.

The thought makes me want to cry.

As I hold back tears... I surrender.

Life is a fight for everything you have ever wanted to come true.




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