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Wednesday, December 6, 2017


Went for a 10-minute walk after going to the gym tonight with my roommates.

She said OMG I can't believe you posted that IG on our cult leader.

Oh fuck.

I forgot... I'm just supposed to post about me.

Sorry, bro, I hope you forgive me.

I guess I think you are awesome and amazing and I don't know the correct way to reach out to you.

So for the entire 10 minutes, I felt really bad but we caught up and are going clubbing this weekend with my long lost friend who I reconnected with at the Gym.

The GAY nightclub is called Faces.

I guess it's famous.

It has a rainbow sidewalk in front of the place.

It will be nice to shake my ass with some girlfriends this weekend.

Ok, so when I came home I deleted the post.

Look I have weird social dynamics.

I love my parents to death but here is my story.

When we lived in Daly City I would be social all the time between school and playing outside in the park that was right next to my house.

But when we moved to San Mateo it all changed.

I would just go to school and go home.

NO social interaction outside of that.

And I was home alone.

My parents worked.

And when my mom got home she was tired from work and needed to just do her thing.

So from age 12- 18, I didn't have many friends outside of school.

Plus my parents put me in the high school all the way across town so I can grow up with the rich kids but since they weren't around to drive me across town to the rich kid's houses and didn't let me go outside by myself I just spent my teenage years alone at home.

Add a parental separation in the middle of that.

So now that I'm 30 I don't know what is appropriate and what is not in a social dynamic.

And my friends have to tell me.

And then I feel bad.

And then I make social corrections and apologize a lot. lol

I told my roommate I will probably get kicked out of the Academy but who cares.

At this point- I'm just trying to learn social dynamics as fast as possible.

Plus I grew up with adults.

My brother and sister are 14 and 16 years older than me.

My mom would say that sometimes I would act really grown up around the grown-ups and then go back to being a child and play with my barbies in a matter of seconds.
I still feel like I do that today.

But at age 14 I got a boyfriend in high school. He was very persistent that we hang out so my only social interactions were with him. He was kinda mean and bossy. I wasn't really in love... I was just desperate for social interactions. He wanted a girlfriend. He was drunk at school on Valentine's day and asked me to be his Valentine. That's what started a two-year relationship. Our first date was at a bead store and we made some beaded bracelets. We both gave our virginity to each other. He was the only man to put a ring on my finger... um, how do you know if you want to marry your high school sweetheart when you are 18? You know in your heart that it wasn't ever going to work.

When he went to college I dumped him and started dating another guy my age. He was cool and we feel DEEP in love. I had my first year at SDSU and he went to Utah snowboarding. I dropped out of school to be with him and we moved to Hawaii and then Tahoe. We were best friends. And the only man with whom I had orgasms with during sex. Like every time.

The relationship fell apart when he stopped courting me and I moved back to San Mateo to finish my schooling and then later to Humboldt. I am now in Sacramento.


My long lost friend at the gym remembers my Tahoe days. She actually forced me to have lunch with her when I had everything packed in my car and was moving back home to San Mateo. lol

AND THEN she was there to watch my now ex-boyfriend fall apart after I left.

I didn't let anyone be there for me.

I just bailed.

Then I looked like the bad guy but at that point, and I really didn't give a fuck.

And that is why I don't snowboard in Tahoe.

My gym friend said she just went boarding in Kirkwood just a few days ago where we use to work and asked if I still ski.

I told her that after the break up I sold all my snowboarding stuff and never went snowboarding again and never will. We are talking 9 years ago.

She hasn't been boarding in 7 years.

Her response was, "oh yeah you got a bad taste in your mouth"

Yeah... I do.

My Spartan Friends said I should get over it and drive them to Tahoe to board.

It was the only time I said No to them.

They were like you are too fit to not snowboard... I thought about it, said they were right but my heart knows what it wants.

Who cares?

I wasn't a professional snowboarder or anything.

I enjoyed the intermediate slopes and snowboarding after a couple of beers.

Now I don't drink so it wouldn't even be fun.

My love story continues in San Mateo when I moved out of Tahoe.

I wouldn't let a man get close to me for like 10 years.... like currently today... I'm just opening up about it and yeah now I'm ready to be in a real loving relationship.

And I fucking partied hard in my early twenties.

And I dated a lot...  and wouldn't let them get close.

Like every weekend in San Francisco getting crossfaded shit faced.

Plus going to school and working at Nordstroms on commission earning a Bachelor's in Business Management.

(now I put that drive toward exercise, my family is proud of me but I feel like I'm still a drug addict... I just do different drugs now to escape)

And My gym friend and I partied hard in SF too. lol, She could totally drink me under the table and I did throw up in the Elbow Room in SF after a night of drinking with her. My dad picked me up when he was driving the cab and put my head out the window. A homeless man came over to the cab while we were at a stop light and patted my head. I don't think I could have been lower class than that.


I told her I don't drink anymore.

We are still friends :)

In the climbing gym, we quickly caught up on our past relationships...

I told her my ex-boyfriend is a real serious climber (like on the cover of climbing magazines and has a route named after him and his brother because they climbed it first) and he was attracted to me because I have an amazing climbing body and I get what he is saying now lol.

She was like... do you still talk to him?

I'm like... no.

The relationship ended where I didn't want to be with him but he wanted to be with me.

Both of us haven't dated anyone else since to my knowledge.

That was in 2016 after the Diablo Spartan Race... Things were rocky between us and the night before the race I was in tears because our relationship wasn't working. I tried to dump him probably 10 times but he just kept saying how he would change and make it work... He didn't. But I kept giving him more chances. Even after he missed my birthday. Dumb Fuck. After the race I dumped him. Building the confidence to get over the obstacles in the race built my confidence to get over the obstacles in our relationship. I still remember leaving and him walking away and knocking something over in his rage. He loved me. Deeply. But the courting stopped and I lost interest.

Plus he was getting mean... I am so turned off by guys that get mean to me.

Nice guys will always win the day with me.

Now I know my ideal man will court me for the rest of my life.

And we will fall deeper in love every day for the rest of our lives.

The Fit get fitter.
The Rich get richer.
The Lovers get Lovlier.

It's a lifestyle.

I know I deserve it.

I've done it before and I can do it again.

This time though I am smarter and have better social interactions to help me stay on track.

Plus I'm ready to have a relationship.

You need to be ready.

If you aren't ready you will never get there.

This is also why I enjoy my alone time so much.

Being in the woods in Humboldt was awesome to fulfill this part of me.

I was building a cabin on my dads 20 acres and he said "you know you would do really well in solitary confinement"

Thanks, Dad.

Maybe someday I will.

Until then I'm going to try to live a life doing crazy shit.

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